HOW TO HAVE THE TALK

When the time comes to have “The Talk” with your parent or family member about moving into Independent Supportive Living, it can be daunting.
There are a lot of misconceptions, and high emotional stakes when having this conversation. The best thing you can do is be prepared. We’re here to help make the process easier and less stressful for both you and your parent.

  • Do Your Research


    You’ve already begun the process of finding and reading about senior living and expanded care options. Make sure you take time to read up on the amenities and care options available so that you know what is best suited to your family member and their individual situation and needs. 


    Think about your family member’s individual needs and preferences. What hobbies do they enjoy and how could making the transition to Independent Living support the things they love most? 


    What difficulties are they having now, and how could Independent Living support them or relieve their burden? What parts of moving into a Vendure Living facility like Andover Terrace most appeal to your family member? Think carefully about them as a person, and do your research accordingly.


  • Lay the Groundwork

    Most people do not give their best response when they feel surprised or ambushed. Just like other “talks” that you and your parents may have had over the years, the process of deciding on senior living options is more of an ongoing conversation than a one-time thing.


    The good news is, you’ve likely already begun to lay the foundation for the conversation by honestly discussing areas where your family member is beginning to need more help. Perhaps you are already helping them manage their household chores or taking care of things like managing their doctor appointments or prescriptions. If you do, you can help use the discussion of these tasks as a way to let them know you think they might be better served by the managed care available in a senior living center. 


    Mentioning it in an offhand or low-stakes way helps you to gauge how your parent might react, and what their concerns might be. This gives you a great opportunity to do research that will help answer those concerns.

  • Time the Conversation Wisely

    This conversation is one that is best had when everyone is feeling at their relative best. In the middle of a health crisis, or during a holiday are times of high emotion and stress. 


    Beginning such an emotional conversation during this time is likely to lead to disagreement or miscommunication. Instead, choose a time when things are relatively calm perhaps during a routine visit when everyone is feeling in a good mood.


  • Listen

    Helping your parent or loved one decide to move out of their home and into an Independent Supportive Living facility can be difficult. If they are leaving a home they have lived in for many years, it can be emotionally difficult. These feelings are valid; you should hear their concerns and try to alleviate them honestly. 


    They may also have other concerns, including preconceived notions of “being put in a home” or they may have understandable difficulty understanding their limits. The goal isn’t to force your decision on your parent. It’s to help them choose what is best for them at this new stage in their life.


  • Don’t Go It Alone

    If you have a large family with siblings, adult grandchildren, or other loved ones, consider having the conversation with your parent as a small group. Alternatively, you may enlist an outside “neutral” voice such as a family physician, church leader, or someone who can give advice your parent will trust. 


    However, consider your parent's temperament before going this route. Will they feel “ganged up on” if you act as a group? If so, it may be better to have a one-on-one. You know your parent best!


  • Keep Talking

    When you first bring up managed care, your parent will likely have concerns or objections. Be honest with them about what you know and don’t, and be willing to do research for—or even better WITH—them to help address their concerns. Remember that “The Talk” is not just one conversation, so you don’t have to go into it with the idea that if you don’t get them to agree with you right away, you’ve “failed.” 


    The first conversation should be a discussion, not a decision. You should let them know your thoughts and share your research on the subject. Then openly listen to their feelings, questions, worries, and objections. They may want to discuss it several times, or they may agree with you right away. Either is fine, and it’s best to keep lines of communication open.



Read on to find a few common concerns and ways to help lay those worries to rest.

Beginning the conversation honestly and lovingly is the most important part. 

Read on to find a few common concerns and ways to help lay those worries to rest:

two older women are sitting at a table talking to each other .

"But I’m doing fine on my own!"

- We’ve been managing, but I want better for you than “fine.” The fact is that things aren’t the way they used to be. I’ve been taking on more of the household chores, running errands, and the fact is that I simply can’t run my own household and yours and also enjoy spending time with you as your child. It’s time to get help with the stuff neither of us want to do, so that I won’t worry about you, you won’t worry about the house, and we can all enjoy just spending our time together. Vendure Living provides services to take care of cooking and help you get to medical appointments. You’ll be near people who are trained to help you if you need it, and who will respect your privacy when you don’t need help.

"But I don’t need to be put in “a home”!"

- This is different. The Waterview isn’t “a home” it’s just “home.” You'll live in your own space, with your own privacy. But you’ll be somewhere where things are designed to make your life easier. You’ll have people who cook fresh meals, so you don’t have to worry about cooking. And you’ll be around other people like you—people who want to enjoy their retirement without being burdened by worries about mowing the lawn or what to do if the fridge goes out.

"What if I get there and hate it?"

- There’s no obligation to stay. The Waterview provides month-to-month plans so you don’t have to stay if it really doesn’t work for you. But you’ll have lots of neighbors who are just like you. I bet you’ll meet people who felt the same way, but stayed because they loved having all of the day-to-day worries taken off their plate.

"What about my cat/dog/heirloom furniture?"

- You can absolutely bring your furniture and decorations. You can even bring your pet, if we make sure we keep up with vet appointments and vaccinations. You’re still going to have your own space to call home.